What I want

I'm not even sure how to begin.  I can't explain where this feeling is coming from, why I can't get it to subside.  I just want to know what's wrong.

I am a point in my life where I really have to grow up.  In a little over a year, I will graduate with a master's degree in education.  That next semester I'll be working some crap job and substituting until I can find a real teaching job.  I can't afford to worry myself with all the things that are on my mind. 

Earlier this year, two people very dear to me lied to me, betrayed my trust and did some things that I would never do to anyone, especially someone I considered my friend.  It's taken me a very long time to get to the point where I can fall asleep at night and not think about it, feeling like I'm might throw up.  If I've learned anything it is that forgiveness is not a human trait, it is 100% completely of God.  Because as hard as I have been trying, I cannot seem to forgive on my own.  One of these people I have even told to not contact me until I can forgive them because it hurts me too much.  The other, after much effort and conversation, I have been able to, for the most part, get past this whole big mess. 

But not completely.  Understandably so, my trust is still called into question.  I tell the person that I trust them, knowing full well that I am having a hard time doing so.  Look who is the liar now.  I want to trust them so much, believe that they love me and would never do wrong by me again.  A big part of me thinks I'm being ridiculous, overdramatic and obessisve to be so upset and unsettled.  But I cannot get rid of this feeling of immenent doom deep in my gut.  I feel like I'm just waiting for everything to fall apart again, for my trust to be broken again. 

Which brings me to this.  Not to toot my own horn, but despite all my faults, I think I'm quite a catch.  I really care about how people are doing, I try to be friendly and accepting of everyone.  The people who are closest to me know that I would do anything for them.  I would literally be there in the middle of the night if they needed me. 

And I deserve someone who treats me the same way.  I deserve someone who loves me no matter what.  No matter if me/them are having a good day or a bad day.  I deseve someone who would be there in the middle of the night if I needed them.  Someone who will talk to me about anything, anytime and be completely honest and trustworthy.  I don't want someone who can't live without me, but I do want someone who needs me and feels like their life is a lot better off with me in it. 

I really feel like I'm at the point in my growth as a person where I'm looking for someone to spend my life with.  I want someone like I have described above.  Someone who LOVES me completely and shows it. 

I know there is love where I am now.  There is joy and laughter and good conversation and happiness and all the things that I could dream of with someone. 

It's just a matter of figuring out how to get exactly what I want.

Currently Listening Once By Original Soundtrack see related

"Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning.

Where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
I know that you can do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying."
--Marketa Irglova, "The Hill"

I graduated a little less than two weeks ago with a Bachelor's of Arts degree in Music.  I remember starting out as a freshman, knowing I'd love to do music and knowing how unpractical it was.  So I didn't declare anything.  I just left myself open to things I might want to do.  But music stuck with me.  There wasn't anything else I really wanted as much.  So I took the chance.  I pursued something I loved ignoring the impracticality of it. 

I decided to get a Master of Arts degree in Education as well.  I was positive this was the best move, because truly, I knew I would love teaching.  One day during my clinicals, after days and days of work with one student on his flute, he finally made a sound.  After months of playing, he finally made the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.  I had to try so hard to keep from crying.  I called my mom immediately after I was done for the day, telling her I'd chosen the right profession for me.

Now here I am.  Graduated and starting the MAE program.  My plan was always to teach middle/high school orchestra.  About a month before graduation, the guy in charge called me into his office.  He told me that I looked great on paper.  But that some faculty seemed to think that I didn't have the necessary skills to teach an orchestra at that level.  I've never been so crushed in my entire life.  I thought it over and few days later went back to his office.  I told him that I would prove to them I could do it.  I would work my ass off to succeed and make them see that I could do it.  And he liked that idea and seemed happy to work with me.  And I was happy and motivated and excited.

But I have so much doubt.  The three things Truman has given me have been wonderful friends, what a feel like was a great education and a possibly detrimental blow to my self-confidence.  I've never thought so lowly of myself than I have the past 4 years, particularly the last 6 months.  And this whole situation might just seal the deal for me.  I'm kicking myself for not doing something more "practical."  I'm wondering if I'll just end up working terrible jobs the rest of my life.  Yesterday, I went in for an interview at McDonald's for Christ's sake and am starting training on Thursday. 

I need someone to believe in me.  I need to learn to believe in myself again.  I keep busy so I don't have to think about it.  But I'm so stressed and upset constantly.  I hate myself like this and I don't feel like me at all.  I just want to believe in me again. 

"And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long....
If you don't mind
Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone "
--Glen Hansard, "Leave" (from the movie "Once")

I feel like I'm at the weirdest place I've ever been in my life.  I feel like I'm falling and there is no end to the hole I've tripped into.  This all I'm sure is going to seem very dramatic and emo and like "blah blah blah, nothing's that bad, get over it."  If you are going to think that, screw you.  Don't read it.  I'm just trying to get some stuff out and I'm tired of keeping it my head. 

This is my last semester of undergrad.  God, where did college go?  Everything else seems like a completely different life.  I barely remember what it was like to be in high school anymore.  And I don't miss it at all.  That's very strange.  I liked high school, never had a real problem with it.  I loved the friends I made there, especially the ones I still interact with on occasion.  Being home with my parents and family and all the things from that time period make me feel as if I'm living a completely different life now.  I guess that's part of the problem.

I had 4 weeks.  4 weeks to get my shit together.  I needed to figure out how I was going to handle this last semester:  how to budget my time, how to keep my life in order so I didn't go crazy.  Instead, everything having to do with this wonderful and terrible place faded into the backround.  All the things that were tormenting me here did their best to stay out of my mind.  Granted, thanks to inventions like facebook and cell phones I had the pleasure of keeping in touch with a few things I tried to run away from.  But not enough to resolve anything or even really begin an effective healing process.

I don't really understand what I'm feeling.  I feel hurt, of course.  But that is not one of the main emotions.  I feel a tremendous amount of anger.  Sometimes it's all I can do not to punch the shit out of things.  And I don't feel like I should be angry.  Of course I was hurt.  But it's not like it was intentional and meant to hurt me.  What's the sense in being angry at something that isn't going to change?  Regardless, I'm still livid more often than I'd like to admit.

I'm also feeling a very intense sadness.  Whenever anyone even mentions his name, I can't hold a smile.  I can't hold a face even resembling something of happiness.  I just want him to disappear.  I told him I would never wish that we hadn't been together.  I was the happiest I'd ever been.  But now, I just wish he didn't exist.  I would have to think about him or hear all these fun stories about him that he'll never tell me because I don't matter anymore. 

If you haven't guessed, 90% of this is about Jay.  It haunts me all the time.  I can't sit in class, or practice piano, or go anywhere without my mind eventually wandering to him.  And I don't know what to do.  I can't keep doing this to myself or I'm not gonna make it. 

Coming back to Kirksville on Saturday was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very long time.  I came over the hill and saw the lights of this dreadful town and all I could do was sigh.  "I've been here 3 1/2 years now, I can make it one more."  But it's going to be very hard.  All I wanted to do was turn the car around and drive back to a time when I'd never truly loved anyone like I loved him.  This place will always be Jay for me.  Everything will remind me of him.  I wonder if I'll only really begin to heal once I can get the hell out.

Currently Listening Futures By Jimmy Eat World see related

"Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy...
If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But I cant tell you from the drugs"
--Jimmy Eat World, "Drugs or Me"

I know.  I haven't posted since August.  And why in the hell would I be posting in the middle of the night when I have so much to do and no time left to do it.  It's for the same reasons I always post.  This is an outlet, a way for me to get things out, to think through things.  And get some advice/encouragement.  Lord knows I need it.

So I almost always post song lyrics before each post.  Part of it is because I love music so much.  But most of the time I felt the song was pertinent to my life at the time. 

That probably worries you with this one.  "What?  Is Paige on drugs?"  No (idiot ).  I can't see myself ever taking "drugs."  I mean, I have been known to dip into the booze bin every once in a while.  And really, that is as much a drug as anything else.  I guess that's where this whole thing starts.  I feel hypocritical.  Alcohol does things to you just like smoking cigarettes or pot (except the other two are, you know, legal).  I drink sometimes.  But the idea of cigarettes disgusts me.  They make you smell bad.  They eat your money.  They are absolutely terrible for your health.  My grandfather died from a smoking-related disease and my poor uncle will permanently have smelling legs because of what smoking did to his blood and veins.  I don't know nearly as much about pot.  Never really been around it that much.  But to me it seems like it would be legal if it didn't do something bad to you.

I'm against cigarettes and pot (if you couldn't tell).  I can understand, to an extent, trying it.  I know some people when they smoke only do it if they drink or are in a certain, rare environment.  And I guess I don't really have as much of a problem with that.  Everything (well, not everything) in moderation. 

For me, it really starts to be an issue if these things happen every day.  If you feel like you have to have those cigarettes every day or have a bottle of beer every night, then it is a habit.  Man, do I hate habits.  It's what keeps my room an absolute disaster.  It's what makes me always right my papers the night before they are due.  Habits are so very hard to break.  You have to be motivated and try constantly to change your life to alter your habit.

I told you all that to tell you this.  Someone I am very close to smokes regularly.  From what I've been told, they smoke a few cigarettes a day (my assumption is every day).  They also smoke pot a lot more regularly, I think, than they are willing to share with me.  I've tried to be understanding, knowing that this has been their lifestyle for a long time.  They know I don't like it.  And so they've hid it from me.  They told me that they had stopped, but continued to do it behind my back for who knows why.  Maybe they were afraid I'd be pissed.  Maybe they were ashamed somewhere inside themselves.  Whatever reason, they lied to me. 

This person has all the potential in the world.  I've never met anyone who was so people smart, who just knew how to interact with everyone.  There are so many good qualities about them that I wish they could just see.  That is why this all hurts me so much.  I feel like they are throwing their life away, that they've gotten so bogged down their bad lot in life (I would not wish their childhood on anyone).  It hurts me so much to see them so unsure of themselves that they have to resort to these substances that will never make them happy longer than the buzz will last. 

I wish I could understand why they can't quit.  I just don't get it.  What's worse is I don't understand why I'm not enough reason to do so.  Why am I second to cigarettes and pot and the friends that support and encourage these things?  Why am I not enough?  All I've ever tried to do is love them.  And all they keep doing is pushing me away. 

I don't care if you are scared.  This is your life.  You have to do something with it.

**Update**  He broke up with me tonight.  So I guess all this now only matters from a friend's perspective.

So I really thought I wasn't THAT much of a city girl.  I thought I could totally make it through August with no air conditioner. 

OH MY GOD!  IT'S SO DAMN HOT!

Seriously, Saturday I went to Walmart to get 3 things and probably spent about an hour there...just to get out of the heat.  Sunday I spent an hour at Hyvee.  And now I'm sitting in the on-campus library not wanting to leave because it's a nice, cool temperature in here....not death like in my house. 
Yesterday I even climbed in the shower for 5 minutes.  Not to take a shower, but to turn on the cold water and let it run over me because guess what?  It was 2:00 in the after, 95 degrees (at least) and sitting around in a tank top and my underwear (nice visual, huh?  You're very welcome ) wasn't cutting it.  I was still sweating like a whore in church (isn't that the saying?  I never cared much for it, but it's what came to mind...anyway...moving on..) 
Point of all this (besides telling you that it's ridiculously hot) is to say to you all, be glad you have ac.  Be so glad.  We are so spoiled in Western society and America. 

Also, air conditioning is the best invention ever.