"Stay with me
You're the one I need
You make the hardest things
Seem easy...
If only you could see
The stranger next to me
You promise you promise that you're done
But I cant tell you from the drugs"
--Jimmy Eat World, "Drugs or Me" I know. I haven't posted since August. And why in the hell would I be posting in the middle of the night when I have so much to do and no time left to do it. It's for the same reasons I always post. This is an outlet, a way for me to get things out, to think through things. And get some advice/encouragement. Lord knows I need it. So I almost always post song lyrics before each post. Part of it is because I love music so much. But most of the time I felt the song was pertinent to my life at the time. That probably worries you with this one. "What? Is Paige on drugs?" No (idiot  ). I can't see myself ever taking "drugs." I mean, I have been known to dip into the booze bin every once in a while. And really, that is as much a drug as anything else. I guess that's where this whole thing starts. I feel hypocritical. Alcohol does things to you just like smoking cigarettes or pot (except the other two are, you know, legal). I drink sometimes. But the idea of cigarettes disgusts me. They make you smell bad. They eat your money. They are absolutely terrible for your health. My grandfather died from a smoking-related disease and my poor uncle will permanently have smelling legs because of what smoking did to his blood and veins. I don't know nearly as much about pot. Never really been around it that much. But to me it seems like it would be legal if it didn't do something bad to you. I'm against cigarettes and pot (if you couldn't tell). I can understand, to an extent, trying it. I know some people when they smoke only do it if they drink or are in a certain, rare environment. And I guess I don't really have as much of a problem with that. Everything (well, not everything) in moderation. For me, it really starts to be an issue if these things happen every day. If you feel like you have to have those cigarettes every day or have a bottle of beer every night, then it is a habit. Man, do I hate habits. It's what keeps my room an absolute disaster. It's what makes me always right my papers the night before they are due. Habits are so very hard to break. You have to be motivated and try constantly to change your life to alter your habit. I told you all that to tell you this. Someone I am very close to smokes regularly. From what I've been told, they smoke a few cigarettes a day (my assumption is every day). They also smoke pot a lot more regularly, I think, than they are willing to share with me. I've tried to be understanding, knowing that this has been their lifestyle for a long time. They know I don't like it. And so they've hid it from me. They told me that they had stopped, but continued to do it behind my back for who knows why. Maybe they were afraid I'd be pissed. Maybe they were ashamed somewhere inside themselves. Whatever reason, they lied to me. This person has all the potential in the world. I've never met anyone who was so people smart, who just knew how to interact with everyone. There are so many good qualities about them that I wish they could just see. That is why this all hurts me so much. I feel like they are throwing their life away, that they've gotten so bogged down their bad lot in life (I would not wish their childhood on anyone). It hurts me so much to see them so unsure of themselves that they have to resort to these substances that will never make them happy longer than the buzz will last. I wish I could understand why they can't quit. I just don't get it. What's worse is I don't understand why I'm not enough reason to do so. Why am I second to cigarettes and pot and the friends that support and encourage these things? Why am I not enough? All I've ever tried to do is love them. And all they keep doing is pushing me away. I don't care if you are scared. This is your life. You have to do something with it.
**Update** He broke up with me tonight. So I guess all this now only matters from a friend's perspective. | 
