"And I hope you feel better
Now that it's out
What took you so long....
If you don't mind
Leave, leave,
And free yourself at the same time
Leave, leave,
I don't understand, you've already gone "
--Glen Hansard, "Leave" (from the movie "Once")

I feel like I'm at the weirdest place I've ever been in my life.  I feel like I'm falling and there is no end to the hole I've tripped into.  This all I'm sure is going to seem very dramatic and emo and like "blah blah blah, nothing's that bad, get over it."  If you are going to think that, screw you.  Don't read it.  I'm just trying to get some stuff out and I'm tired of keeping it my head. 

This is my last semester of undergrad.  God, where did college go?  Everything else seems like a completely different life.  I barely remember what it was like to be in high school anymore.  And I don't miss it at all.  That's very strange.  I liked high school, never had a real problem with it.  I loved the friends I made there, especially the ones I still interact with on occasion.  Being home with my parents and family and all the things from that time period make me feel as if I'm living a completely different life now.  I guess that's part of the problem.

I had 4 weeks.  4 weeks to get my shit together.  I needed to figure out how I was going to handle this last semester:  how to budget my time, how to keep my life in order so I didn't go crazy.  Instead, everything having to do with this wonderful and terrible place faded into the backround.  All the things that were tormenting me here did their best to stay out of my mind.  Granted, thanks to inventions like facebook and cell phones I had the pleasure of keeping in touch with a few things I tried to run away from.  But not enough to resolve anything or even really begin an effective healing process.

I don't really understand what I'm feeling.  I feel hurt, of course.  But that is not one of the main emotions.  I feel a tremendous amount of anger.  Sometimes it's all I can do not to punch the shit out of things.  And I don't feel like I should be angry.  Of course I was hurt.  But it's not like it was intentional and meant to hurt me.  What's the sense in being angry at something that isn't going to change?  Regardless, I'm still livid more often than I'd like to admit.

I'm also feeling a very intense sadness.  Whenever anyone even mentions his name, I can't hold a smile.  I can't hold a face even resembling something of happiness.  I just want him to disappear.  I told him I would never wish that we hadn't been together.  I was the happiest I'd ever been.  But now, I just wish he didn't exist.  I would have to think about him or hear all these fun stories about him that he'll never tell me because I don't matter anymore. 

If you haven't guessed, 90% of this is about Jay.  It haunts me all the time.  I can't sit in class, or practice piano, or go anywhere without my mind eventually wandering to him.  And I don't know what to do.  I can't keep doing this to myself or I'm not gonna make it. 

Coming back to Kirksville on Saturday was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a very long time.  I came over the hill and saw the lights of this dreadful town and all I could do was sigh.  "I've been here 3 1/2 years now, I can make it one more."  But it's going to be very hard.  All I wanted to do was turn the car around and drive back to a time when I'd never truly loved anyone like I loved him.  This place will always be Jay for me.  Everything will remind me of him.  I wonder if I'll only really begin to heal once I can get the hell out.