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"Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning.

Where are you my angel now?
Don't you see me crying?
I know that you can do it all
but you can't say I'm not trying."
--Marketa Irglova, "The Hill"

I graduated a little less than two weeks ago with a Bachelor's of Arts degree in Music.  I remember starting out as a freshman, knowing I'd love to do music and knowing how unpractical it was.  So I didn't declare anything.  I just left myself open to things I might want to do.  But music stuck with me.  There wasn't anything else I really wanted as much.  So I took the chance.  I pursued something I loved ignoring the impracticality of it. 

I decided to get a Master of Arts degree in Education as well.  I was positive this was the best move, because truly, I knew I would love teaching.  One day during my clinicals, after days and days of work with one student on his flute, he finally made a sound.  After months of playing, he finally made the most beautiful sound I'd ever heard.  I had to try so hard to keep from crying.  I called my mom immediately after I was done for the day, telling her I'd chosen the right profession for me.

Now here I am.  Graduated and starting the MAE program.  My plan was always to teach middle/high school orchestra.  About a month before graduation, the guy in charge called me into his office.  He told me that I looked great on paper.  But that some faculty seemed to think that I didn't have the necessary skills to teach an orchestra at that level.  I've never been so crushed in my entire life.  I thought it over and few days later went back to his office.  I told him that I would prove to them I could do it.  I would work my ass off to succeed and make them see that I could do it.  And he liked that idea and seemed happy to work with me.  And I was happy and motivated and excited.

But I have so much doubt.  The three things Truman has given me have been wonderful friends, what a feel like was a great education and a possibly detrimental blow to my self-confidence.  I've never thought so lowly of myself than I have the past 4 years, particularly the last 6 months.  And this whole situation might just seal the deal for me.  I'm kicking myself for not doing something more "practical."  I'm wondering if I'll just end up working terrible jobs the rest of my life.  Yesterday, I went in for an interview at McDonald's for Christ's sake and am starting training on Thursday. 

I need someone to believe in me.  I need to learn to believe in myself again.  I keep busy so I don't have to think about it.  But I'm so stressed and upset constantly.  I hate myself like this and I don't feel like me at all.  I just want to believe in me again.