I'm not even sure how to begin.  I can't explain where this feeling is coming from, why I can't get it to subside.  I just want to know what's wrong.

I am a point in my life where I really have to grow up.  In a little over a year, I will graduate with a master's degree in education.  That next semester I'll be working some crap job and substituting until I can find a real teaching job.  I can't afford to worry myself with all the things that are on my mind. 

Earlier this year, two people very dear to me lied to me, betrayed my trust and did some things that I would never do to anyone, especially someone I considered my friend.  It's taken me a very long time to get to the point where I can fall asleep at night and not think about it, feeling like I'm might throw up.  If I've learned anything it is that forgiveness is not a human trait, it is 100% completely of God.  Because as hard as I have been trying, I cannot seem to forgive on my own.  One of these people I have even told to not contact me until I can forgive them because it hurts me too much.  The other, after much effort and conversation, I have been able to, for the most part, get past this whole big mess. 

But not completely.  Understandably so, my trust is still called into question.  I tell the person that I trust them, knowing full well that I am having a hard time doing so.  Look who is the liar now.  I want to trust them so much, believe that they love me and would never do wrong by me again.  A big part of me thinks I'm being ridiculous, overdramatic and obessisve to be so upset and unsettled.  But I cannot get rid of this feeling of immenent doom deep in my gut.  I feel like I'm just waiting for everything to fall apart again, for my trust to be broken again. 

Which brings me to this.  Not to toot my own horn, but despite all my faults, I think I'm quite a catch.  I really care about how people are doing, I try to be friendly and accepting of everyone.  The people who are closest to me know that I would do anything for them.  I would literally be there in the middle of the night if they needed me. 

And I deserve someone who treats me the same way.  I deserve someone who loves me no matter what.  No matter if me/them are having a good day or a bad day.  I deseve someone who would be there in the middle of the night if I needed them.  Someone who will talk to me about anything, anytime and be completely honest and trustworthy.  I don't want someone who can't live without me, but I do want someone who needs me and feels like their life is a lot better off with me in it. 

I really feel like I'm at the point in my growth as a person where I'm looking for someone to spend my life with.  I want someone like I have described above.  Someone who LOVES me completely and shows it. 

I know there is love where I am now.  There is joy and laughter and good conversation and happiness and all the things that I could dream of with someone. 

It's just a matter of figuring out how to get exactly what I want.